Just a note to see if you’re still living in the same place really.
Remember me? White beard – in the heavens, bit handy with the old thunderbolts? Yeah, sorry about that. ‘Course I haven’t done anything like that for years now, put on a bit of weight I s’pose – haven’t we all? And the beard’s a bit thinner, I did try dyeing it, but I looked a twat.
Truth is, I hit a bit of a dodgy patch, and I’m only just coming out of it, you know, starting to look a few people up. Not always welcome either – talk about a lost weekend! Lost couple of millennia more like! Well, I wouldn’t have believed it, but when they show me the pictures and the stories… It’s frightening, frankly. I can’t believe it was me. It wasn’t me. I’m different now, I’ve changed.
When I think what I did to those Sodomites, poor buggers Ha ha! – poor buggers! – d’ya get it? Ha ha! No seriously though, it’s shaming. It’s not as if I wasn’t old enough to know better is it? I mean – I’m fucking timeless! Sorry! No sorry missus, you got kids there haven’t you? Sorry.
Then there’s the A-rabs. Just ignorant I was, I admit it. That Mohammed, I was livid when they first moved in, but he’s done well for hisself, started with the one cornershop and now look at him. Very profitable enterprise – Ha ha! Profitable – do you see I done there? No, but he’s a good old boy, old Mohammed. I see him down the golf club Thursdays and we have a drink and a bit of a laugh now. Course he doesn’t really drink, and I’ve cut back a lot, but we still have a good time, talk about books and stuff.
Anyway that’s me, what have you been up to?
Thanks for having my lad over by the way. Said he’d had a good time, but some people got upset and he had to leave a bit sharpish (like father like son eh?)
I wasn’t a good dad to him. Wasn’t around a lot of the time, it’s no wonder he turned out like he did – long hair, peace ‘n’ love and all that shit – no girlfriends, know what I mean… Nah, that doesn’t bother me now. He’s my boy, that’s what counts, we’ve got a lot of catching up to do.
Talking of which, what’ve you all been doing? Did you ever get those brains to work properly? I didn’t keep up with the updates on you lot to be honest, and they just stopped support after a while, so you can’t get the specs when something goes wrong. I try to keep it ticking along, with some old bits and bobs from here and there, but it’s a bit flakey, really needs totally re-doing properly, and I can’t see that happening at this stage. It’s bit late now to be doing that sort of thing.
Wasn’t it you who had all those nice mountains and stuff? Rivers? – Atmosphere? Yes it’s coming back now. Spent hours doing that, shifting stuff around, getting the drainage right. Did a good job on that one, though I say it myself. Takes skill that. Course that was before…
Dear oh dear, hark at me rabbiting on like an old wossname…, fuckin…
Anyways what have you been up to then? Still enjoying the fresh air and stuff? Don’t touch that plutonium stuff that I left did you? I did say – didn’t I? Left a message or something? Maybe I forgot. Shit. Sorry.
You’ve had some characters there though haven’t you? That Atilla the Hun? – Nutter!
Old Joey Stalin? He’s long gone I s’pose – That Hitler bloke? Dear oh Lor… he had a temper on him didn’t he? Whoo hoo! Mind you I kind of liked him though. You knew where you were with him, and he’d had a harsh upbringing I reckon. OK, he wasn’t the most sociable, but you know, you shouldn’t rush to judge should you? I’m sure we’ve all seen off a race or two before now, and thought better of it later.
Bugger, look at the time! Look, it’s good to be back in touch, I should pop down sometime if that’s alright with the missus and that. We could go for a drink or two, and not that pissy communion wine neither. Nice drop of Courvoisier’d go down a treat, line or two of the old marching. Course I shouldn’t really, but I do like a bit of a bevvy you know, at Christmas… Easter and stuff. Watch the racing. Though of course it’s not the same when you know who’s going to win.
That be OK with you? If there’s anything that needs sorting, you know… I feel perhaps I owe you… any damage or stuff…
Anyway, chin chin – later! Take care.